The annual dinner and awards were held at The Boot pub on October 12th, which also marked the first night of new ownership for the pub. Talk about baptisms of fire!!! It was nevertheless a highly entertaining evening. The Chair did some thankyous and welcomes, and then got down to the serious business of dishing out awards

The first and second team players of the year awards went respectively to Ben Keeping and Saeed Ajmal. 

Keeps took 38 wickets across the league season, including a couple of heroic "right through" spells. 

Saeed's off spin was a bit more than many in div 7 could handle and he played every game with a broad smile and a broader swing of the bat given the chance.  

 Matt Donnelly was in and out of his chair all night, receiving first the award for the most promising young player, and then following that up with a commemorative award for his hat trick in a 'fivefur' for the 1s at the end of the season against Dinton.

The Chairman's awards and Clubman of the Year are given to those people who have made significant 'above and beyond' contributions to the club over the course of the season. This year's recipients of the Chairman's favours were Dom Gabrielle, who despite not getting much cricket early in the season, was a prodigious netter and never found missing when something needed doing at the club,and the family McIndoe. Doug got a bunch of flowers to make up for all the bunches he had to buy Jude after volunteering her to do endless teas, and Jude got a bottle of champagne, which would have been a fair return if all she had produced was that Malteser cake. In a scandalous piece of committee nepotism and self agrandisement, the Clubman of the Year went jointly  to the Secretary, the webmaster and the 2nd team captain, who coincidentally were the same person. 
 

And so to the highlight of the evening, the Rolfedog alternative season analysis and awards. Not content with mercilessly taking apart everyone in his match reports and blog posts, Rolfedog has spent the season gathering scandlal, gossip and apocryphal truths with the ferocity and determination of a paparazzo. Nothing and no one were spared ritual humiliation if there was a cheap laugh at stake!!! The high(low)lights are reproduced below.

- If it appears that these awards are not shared out equally among the players that is because… these awards are not shared out equally among the players


Notable Absentees.

Did not realise there was an annual dinner Award; Malcolm

Doing Piano Practice Award: Freddie

Pathetic Absentee Award; Dvd Maunder  “I’m going to be in London a bit late”

Buddy Holly concert: Phil Brooks but Buddy Holly has been dead for 53 years

40 Birthday Party in Yorkshire: this year’s Dinner OrganiserTex

Most desperate Absentee Award – Shakey: fled to the States

This year’s worst excuse award: Morf – Have to attend flower-pressing class

 Right! Here we go!!

No of 7 figure land deals conducted in B Ridge by Sid Bird in 2012 -  Nil

No of 7 figure land deals conducted in B Ridge by Ben Keeping in 2012 = 1

 Least pretentious but most effective fencing adjacent to a cricket ground: Brez/Jamie

Most pretentious but least effective fencing adjacent to a cricket ground; BenKeeps

Most cigarettes extinguished on the outfield: Shakey - 497, most ..on the square: Malik - 1, least fags extinguished anywhere else: McTaggart None that’s right “None” absolutely none at all McTaggart ..and a warm welcome to your partner Jackie for an evening spent among your loyal and honest friends

Biggest Sucker of the year: McTaggart on taking a phone call from Saint in which Saint said “Being Club Secretary only involves forwarding a few emails”

Best Telephonist of the year: Saint for a call to McTaggart in which he said: “Being Club Secretary only involves forwarding a few emails”

And we have a new winner of Sports Retailer of the YearReplacing the incumbent Baz Hawkinsport who did not make the shortlist Failed to sell Sniff a new shirt; to theclub’s first ever supplier of “Club Hats!”  The MightyTex

The Award for Slowest  Strike Rate in a Successful Run Chase goes to:  Baz Hawkinsport – eat your heart out!

Personal Hygiene Award

At Cublington there is one gents loo and one ladies loo in the whole place; Birdy had stomach problems that day

Most visits to the gents at Cublington: Steve Bird

Most visits to the ladies at Cublington; Steve Bird

Most glasses of red bought, Shaky, most glasses of red drunk, Shakey, most glasses of red spilt: Shaky, most times refused any more drinks at the bar by Sharon: Shaky


The Conor Taylor - I am Doing a PHD -  Sports Nutritionist of the Year Award goes to Dave Bird

The Away Captain of the Year Award … the finalists included, Brez, McTaggart,  and Doug but the winner is: Jammer: for not taking a Match Ball to Cublington in the VKO and for getting us to Bledlow in the Bucks Cup at 1.30 for a match Bledlow thought was starting at 1 and the umpires thought was starting at 12.

Owner of the most dangerous Child Award. Dave Bird, narrowly from Brez by a plastercast

Person who said “I love You” most times to members of the opposition; Shaky

Person who said “I love You” most times to members of his own side; Shaky

Person who said “I love You” most times to Shaky on matchdays: I don’t know who it was but it wasn’t Sharon.

Best self-fulfilled prophesy award: Taggart before our innings at Abingdon when he said  “I want no stupid run outs today” and we lost the game when Taggart was run out.

Run Out awards

Of 2nd Captain – himself

Of 2s V-Capt – by Matt Donnelly

Of 1s captain in the VKO, myself

Which brings me to the slowest runner between the wickets award; 1st X1 skipper Brezza

All that makes Jammer the fastest captain or vice captain between the wickets … which just proves this is all a dream

The George Michael Award for being better looking than Russ Turner Unfortunately Ferret did not play this year and  failed to qualify. So it goes to George Grose

Biggest contribution to the English Language: Malik for introducing the (verb ask me what a ‘verb’ is later Birdy) “to Malik” as in Bicester and N Oxford have been Maliked, Cumnor have been Maliked etc

Smallest contribution to the English Language; Brezza; “ We aint making no noise….” 

Tourette’s AwardMcTaggart for seemingly being unable to Win the toss and say “We’ll Bowl” 

Longest Misunderstanding of the Season Award: goes to Geoff Tombs. Each match Brez asked him to “Go to Slip” but Geoff thought he said “Go to Sleep”

Groundsman with a really flash car… sorry Sniff  you were in the lead but only until Russ bought a Jaguar.

The Newcomer to the Huge List of Ridge Bowlers quicker than Ben Keeping; goes to Matt Donnelly

Most appearances of the Year: Malik

Most disappearances of the year: Saeed

Most holidaysSaeed

Most holidays at the wrong timeShakey

Players most suspected of going on holidays together, Saeed, Shakey and Henry Hale

Largest brown shoes of the year: joint winners Malik and Rodders. This might surprise you as Malik has bigger feet than Rodders but Rodders clearly  wears a size too large

Biggest Declaration cock-up of the year McTaggart at Oxford; “We’ll wait until Brez get’s his fifty ;when we ran out of overs Brez had  47 not out 

Some stats from the season:

Ben  38 1st team wickets in the whole season

Geoff 6 wickets in the entire 1st X1 season

Matt 7 in the last two 1st X1 matches. That’s one more than 6 and extrapolated out for the whole 18 match season is 63 wickets

Slowest opening bowler of the year, Taggart, narrowly from Jammer and BenDog

Bowling action most difficult to take seriouslyDakes

Longest period standing out at sq leg umpire in cold weather because his teammates have forgotten him:  Dom Gabrielle, with 2 nights and 2 days

Least funny after dinner speakerMike Stevens

Most funny after dinner speaker, myself    

Biggest  batting partnership in a foreign languageMalik and Saeed - 123

2nd biggest partnership in a foreign language: Doug and McTaggart - 7

Award for the Son who scored faster in a partnership than his Father, goes to Jack Brooks…….. better luck net season Sam!

Loudest sledging: Jake at Cumnor

Loudest sledging of own teammate; Shakey at Cumnor who said “Shut up Jake”

Loudest rant on the boundary; Saeed

Most often-repeated impression of Saeed’s rant on the boundary; Birdy

Longest Triathlon during the Olympics was won by Malcolm; at which he talked longer than ever before about Bonfires, Paper-Recycling and Aeroplanes

No of centuries scored by Midds, Brooksie, Conor and Baz on the ground  on Saturdays  = 1 each

No of imaginary centuries scored by Birdy on the square on Tuesday nights = 8

People who took as many wickets for the 2nd X1 this year as Geoff TombsJake Easton, Robbie Carter, Cheryl Cole,  Dan Dan the Barbecue Man and Bugs Bunny

 The award for taking 3 wickets in 3 balls spanning 5 minutes = Matt Donnelly

The award for taking 3 wickets in an entire season spanning 4 months; Doug McIndoe

League Allrounders awards on the basis batting average is higher than their bowling avge

Listen up ladies in case this needs explaining to the men. The definition of an allrounder :

 Four in the 2s; Shakey Brez, George and Saeed

Only 2 in the 1st X1 Runner up Conor: bowling avge of 34; batting of 36.2, the top allrounder of the year who averaged 16 with the ball  and with a score of 16 NOT OUT in his only innings averages infinity with the bat. Jake Easton

Best description of our bowlers by an opposition batsman on the pitch was made of Jamie and Geoff:  “One’s bowling throw-downs and the other’s bowling underarm”

Best new Collective Noun (ask me later Birdy) since a Flock of Birds… is a Barbecue of McIndoes

Coolest Dude: Conor asked if he could borrow my spare bat. I said “It’s useless, has no absolutely no middle to it, the ball won’t go anywhere”. He made 124 not out, used it once again, declared it absolutely useless, and gave it back to me. 

The Ben Keeping Award for Most Ducks in a Row; goes to this season’s newcomer and experienced cricketer Andy Walters who played three matches for us and made three ducks. He needs only five more matches like this to beat Ben’s best of seven.

 

Travel awards

David Maunder wins the title for least balls faced per miles travelled for a 150 mile round trip from London tobe out 1st ball at Abingdon and 70 mile round trip to play but not bat v Bledlow 

Shortest journey to drop two catches – Geoff (from his mum and dad’s house to the club)

Longest journey to drop two catches – George (from Cornwall)

 

Hockey player of the Year in the Cricket Season Dan Strange

Rugby Player of the year in the Cricket Season: Mark Dakin

Footballer of the Year in the Cricket Season: Sam Rolfe

 

Tea Lady Awards:- 

Most Dangerous Tea-Lady of the Year: Jude McIndoe for successfully disguising a steel pepper-pot-top as a sardine in a sandwich served to myself. She also wins the award for most competitive Tea Lady of the year. 

Overall winner of Best Tea-lady of the year:  Nervous  It’s a tie !!     

 

Most new words used this year; Geoff Tombs:: 

Most corrections to new words used this year by Geoff Tombs= Ben Keepping 

One serious item; - Brooksie always responds to requests to work and does more work in half a day than the rest of us do in two days and Steve Bird does in five.


And now we come to the really serious awards: 

Happiest Scotsman of the Year: Sadly no change, Doug McIndoe and Captain McTaggart remain in last place

Biggest Strop of Season Runner up is Brez for a series of email Strops near the end of the season and an outstanding Strop at Bledlow but I have to fess up to being the Winner of this one for a post match strop after Great Tew.  Robbie told me I had gone too far.  If Robbie Carter tells you you have been too grumpy, then you have been too grumpy, and this was a new low for me.

 The prize for being Tommy Beattie goes to…… Tommie Beattie

Upstart of the Year Award 

Several contenders for this, Malcolm is a very consistent Upstart from year to year as is David Maunder however we have a runaway winner for 2012. Any hopes that he might become quieter or less opinionated as he grows older have been dashed this season a season during which any respect he might once have had for me has clearly disappeared, no it’s not Steve Bird, this season’s Upstart of the Year by a country mile is…. Jake Easton

 Most Improved Chauffeur of the year – 

We have struggled for an outstanding chauffeur ever since Tim Underwood went abroad meaning Malcolm has had to make his own way to matches, Tim being the only good listener we had. This year’s most improved chauffeur started particularly badly, getting Malik so late to one match that Malik dropped down at least two places in the order. After a serious talking to from Malik however ,his chauffering recovered so well that Malik secured the No 3 spot and even opened on one occasion. This year’s winner is Saeed the Sahib.

 Most Vain Batsmen of the Season 

Is Scott Waite: not only found his own address, but got a mobile phone number and discovered email so we could tell him where he was playing and also find him to pick him up.. he wins the award because every time he hits the ball to a fielder he calls out his own name.

Most Pathetic Excuse of the Year in a Match involves an incident at Gt Tew where McTaggart was mistaken for Rodders. Scarely possible, I mean: one is ageing, left-handed, obstinate and opinionated, and the other is……!!

Under a catch the whole team shouted “Yours Rodders” however he remained, rooted to the spot and when the ball hit the ground several feet away said “Oh! I thought you said “Yours Taggart’”.! As if anyone would call for Taggart to take a catch. 

 Most Excuses for Not Coming to Nets; Geoff Tombs, 67 including: it’s too dry, it’s too wet, Matt bowls too fast, Brez bowls too slow, I don’t mix with rabble, I only mix with the hoi polloi,  I am playing Bucks Over 50s the next day, I am not playing Bucks Over 50s the next day, I am baking a cake, I am eating a cake, I am having my cake and eating it, I’m playing tennis,  I don’t know the way there, I don’t know the way home, I am hitting it well, it’s coming out well, ,  I am too old, I am too young, I am too fit, I am too injured… and practice is a waste of time anyway.

 Best Speler of the Year – Innit

 

Sponsored by our Oxford English Graduate David ‘”don’t ask me to play at Abingdon again”-Maunder is not Saeed (who wins this year’s award for most mentions) and who but ruined his chances with a string of perfectly written emails late on, so the award goes to the strong favourite Brezza (spelt B R E Z Z A)   He would have won the award for Worst Grammar but unfortunately “ I don’t have no more badges!”

 

And I aint got no more time!


Rolfedog